


This Is Goodbye

by pedromiamor



Series: Goodbyes [2]
Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Character Death, Depressed Javi, Hurt No Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Sad Ending, Sad Javi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:35:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29192394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pedromiamor/pseuds/pedromiamor
Summary: Javier has been anxious ever since returning to America. He doesn’t sleep well at night and the remnants of Steve’s lips on his is enough to make him lie awake all night.He’s expecting a call soon from Steve to tell him they’ve finally got Escobar. Javier does get a call, but it’s not from Steve.
Relationships: Steve Murphy/Javier Peña
Series: Goodbyes [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2143110
Comments: 7
Kudos: 14





	This Is Goodbye

Javier had not been well since returning from Colombia. 

The streets felt different, the food smelled different, the nightly sounds were different. Everything was just different. 

And there was no Steve Murphy. 

Javier had only been back for three days. Three days, and here he was sitting in the same bar for his third night absolutely shitfaced. Again. The bartender even expressed his concern and told Javier he wasn’t serving him again or for the next week. 

Javier grumbled something about pendejos and finding another bar before stumbling outside to the cool night air. 

Javier wasn’t in pain. He was just hurting. A man kisses you senseless and says he’s in love with you and then you have to hop a plane back home right after. He wanted more time with Steve. He missed Steve. And he wanted Escobar. 

Javier eventually made it back to his apartment before collapsing face first into his very empty bed, but he did not sleep. How could he? The man he loved was in another hemisphere and putting himself in danger every single day, and he couldn’t even talk to the guy. Bullshit. 

Javier rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling with a pang in his chest. This is what he’d done the past two nights as well. Staring at his ceiling moping and thinking about Steve. His partner Steve. His good friend Steve. The man he loved Steve. 

Javier would lie awake for hours thinking about Steve. About the way he’d chew on his pencil when he was agitated. The way he’d continuously card his hands through his hair when he got impatient. The way he’d sigh extra loud just so Javier knew he was frustrated. The way he’d watch Javier when he thought the other man wasn’t looking. The way he’d always bring Javier coffee in the morning whether he asked for it or not. The way he’d always share half his cigarette with Javier no questions asked. God and the way he kissed. 

There was nothing about that man Javier missed more than his lips. 

He’d only tasted them once and briefly at that. They were soft but demanding in their task and just the perfect size for Javier to suck on. They’d tasted of stale beer and cigarettes that day at the airport. Steve smelled like an evergreen drenched in honeyed whiskey surrounded by a thin layer of smoke. 

Javier whimpered. 

Yeah, he missed Steve. 

Javier began to grow impatient as another week passed and there was no news on Escobar. He’d watch the news, hoping to maybe catch a snippet of news on the drug lord and kept his phone on him at all times. Steve promised he’d call him the second they caught Escobar. 

But he’d heard nothing. 

Javier knew that before he left they were on the cusp of discovering Escobar’s location and just days away from taking him down. He grew anxious as more days would pass and there’d be no news. What was taking them so long?

It happened 13 days after Javier had arrived home. 

He was sitting in a different bar, staring off into space as his cigarette burned between his fingers. The bar was busy, but he’d already drowned out all the noise. The only thing on his mind was blue eyes and blonde hair. 

He faintly heard the ringing of his cell on the table in front of him. His heart stopped and his body froze. Steve would be the only person who would call him. They had caught Escobar. 

Javier frantically grabbed at his cell and left the bustling noise of the bar into the cold night air. “Steve?”

There was a sigh on the other end. “No, it’s Trujillo. I’m just calling you from Murphy’s line because he’s the only one dumb enough to save your number.”

“Trujillo,” Javier sighed, “you got him?”

“Yeah Peña, we got him. Son of a bitch is dead. Shot him myself. The whole city is going crazy with celebration.” 

Javier let out a breath of relief and looked to the stars. “Oh. Oh, thank god. That’s the best news I’ve ever heard.” 

Trujillo let out a small laugh but it sounded forced. “Yeah, I suppose it is.”

“Let me talk to Steve.”

There was an agonizing silence on the other end. 

“Trujillo? Let me talk to Steve.” There was a sinking feeling dropping its way in Javier’s stomach. 

“Peña...”

Javier grew frantic. “Put Steve on the damn phone right now,” his voice shook. 

“I can’t Peña.”

Javier felt like his heart was breaking into a million pieces. This wasn’t what he thought it was. “Where is he then?” Javier’s voice was suddenly small. 

There was a long breath and an even longer stretch of silence on the other end. “Murphy went down when we were chasing Escobar. He didn’t make it. That’s why I was calling Peña. Murphy’s dead.”

Javier couldn’t see. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t touch, he couldn’t feel. There was nothing inside him. It all vanished with the ending of Trujillo’s words. He dropped his phone and fell against the brick wall behind him. He stumbled to the ground as the pavement dug into his hands. The same hands that were in Steve’s hair and cupping his warm face only weeks ago. Javier’s eyes filled with tears faster than a damn gunshot. He let out a chocking sob as his chest heaved with great energy to just keep him alive. 

Javier brought his hands to his face and knees up to his chest. He bawled into the palms of his hands and didn’t care about the strangers walking by giving him weird looks as he cried his entire being out of the depths of his soul. Nothing inside of him felt right. His legs and arms were shaking, his chest heaved, his stomach felt like hurling onto the sidewalk, his head ached at the power of his tears, and his heart was nothing but broken. 

No kind of super glue to fix the suture that had divided his heart - his heart for Steve - into billions of pieces inside his chest. There was nothing in him but hollowness. 

Javier blindly reached for his phone and shakily put it back to his ear. “Trujillo?” he rasped. God the tears wouldn’t stop coming and his breaths were just hiccups at this point. 

“Yeah I’m still here.”

Javier swallowed and tried to calm his voice. “How-how, please, how did it happen?” He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes and gasped loudly for a real breath of air. 

“Peña-”

“Tell me you son a bitch! You-you tell me how Steve died,” he sobbed again, “oh god he’s dead.”

There was another long pause as Trujillo waited for Javier’s cries to subside again. “Murphy was the first one out to the rooftop where Escobar tried to escape. Murphy got a shot on him, hit his shoulder, before Escobar blindly shot behind him. He hit Murphy good. Peña he was gone in seconds. There was nothing any of us could’ve done. I’m sorry.” 

Javier let a dry and emotionless laugh escape his lips. “Sounds like Murphy. Goin in head first like the dumbass he is.” 

“I’m sorry Peña. I just- I just wanted to call and tell you right away. I know you guys were close.”

Javier felt a sudden bubble of rage climb it’s way up through his body. He was supposed to have been there. He would’ve saved Steve. “You don’t know shit,” he whispered before hanging up. 

Javier cried himself to sleep that night. And the next. 

He didn’t get out of bed. He didn’t shower. He didn’t eat. 

All he could do was stare at his ceiling, think about Steve, cry some more, and wake up screaming when he dreamed of Steve being shot in front of him. 

There was nothing left in him. Only empty darkness. 

Javier almost fell out of his bed when he heard his cell chiming in the hours way past midnight. “What do you want?” he spat into the phone. 

“Javi. It’s Connie.” 

Javier’s stomach lurched at the sound of her voice and what she called him. He scrubbed a hand down his face and willed himself to sit up in bed. “Please don’t call me that,” he whispered, “it-it hurts too much to hear that name.”

“Right. I’m sorry. Steve practically gave you that name...”

Javier cleared his throat. He didn’t want to talk about Steve. Especially to her. Talking about him only made it hurt worse, and he didn’t want to cry anymore. 

“Listen,” she began, “I’m sorry I called so late I just didn’t know what to say. I still don’t. I know your guy’s bond was deeper than either of you would ever admit, but I know how you’re feeling Javier. He was my husband. I love him.”

Javier took a deep breath. “Yeah. Yeah, I do too.”

“We’re having a service on Saturday up in West Virginia where he grew up. I know he always talked about wanting to rest there. I’ll send you the information, but I’ll understand if you’re not there.”

“Yeah. Okay. Thank you Connie.”

“Goodnight Javier.”

He hung up the phone and curled in on himself on the bed. He covered his face in his hands, letting out deep breaths to calm himself down. Javier was not a funeral guy by any means. But this was Steve, and he was important. 

~~

Javier stood in front of the funeral home Connie had said they’d be at. He had on a nice tux he’d only ever worn once a few years back and the black shoes Steve always commented on. He stood in front of that funeral home for maybe an hour, his hands shaking, before he finally walked in. 

Javier was met with too many people he didn’t know. He felt uncomfortable being there. Like he didn’t belong. 

Connie had also mentioned that Steve would be in an open casket. Javier bit down the nervousness he felt about that issue and found himself in the main room. A large picture of Steve was on display at the front of the room. His hair all slicked back and his smile dazzling. Javier found himself smiling sadly at the picture. Steve was so stunning. 

He stood in place a bit too long as he stared at the casket 20 yards in front of him. He didn’t know if he could will his feet to take him there or if he’d even be able to handle himself once he got there. Javier swallowed and finally took that step forward. 

Steve was pale in the casket. Almost too pale for Javier’s eyes. He’s dead, he reminded himself. His hair was slicked back and his mustache as perfectly trimmed as ever. He was in a suit that clung to his lifeless body perfectly. Javier would’ve done anything to never see Steve in that suit. 

He gripped the side of the casket as he stared at Steve for a long time, not saying or thinking anything. He wiped a hand down his face and finally cleared his throat. 

“Well, I promised you you’d see me again didn’t I?” Javier let out a dry laugh, cringing at the way his voice wobbled as he spoke. “You’re one dumb asshole Steve, you know that?” Javier sniffed loudly and gripped the casket tighter. “You made me promise that wasn’t going to be our goodbye, but I didn’t want this goodbye either. I never-“ Javier took in a gasping breath as he felt the water works begin to betray him. “I never wanted this to happen to you Steve. I was supposed to protect you, and I didn’t. I do love you, okay? I think I’ve loved you since we first met, and it only took me a few years to admit it the first time we had to say goodbye.” Javier was crying freely now but still trying to keep his voice quiet. “I won’t ever stop loving you.”

“Javier?” Connie’s voice sounded beside him. 

Javier quickly removed his hand’s grip from the casket and turned to face Connie. He knew he looked like shit. He felt like shit too. “I-I can’t-“ His breaths began to stutter and his heart rate picked up. Javier needed to leave. 

“It’s okay. I understand.” Connie smiled at him sadly, and Javier quickly left the building. 

He sat on the curb in front of the funeral home’s entrance and sobbed into his hands again. “Goddammit Steve!” he shouted to no one. 

Javier stayed like that for a while until a steady stream of people left the home. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up. It was Connie. “I wanted you to have a few things.”

She handed him a manila envelope. 

“He had a few things on him when they gave me his belongings from the morgue. I want you to have what’s in there. You deserve it.”

Javier opened his mouth to argue. Connie was Steve’s wife. He didn’t deserve anything. 

“He would want you to have them Javier. I have enough of his things. Thank you for taking care of him down there.” She squeezed his shoulder and then left. 

Javier stared down at the envelope for a long time. Half of him didn’t want to open it while the other half knew he needed to. 

Steve’s necklace, the one he wore every day Javier knew him, was in there along with a few folded up notes Javier had scribbled to him. Why Steve kept those he had no idea. He also found a doodle he had drawn during an uneventful day that he could have sworn he’d thrown away. Javier smiled to himself. Steve was such a sap. 

He ran his thumb along the metal of Steve’s necklace before slipping it over his head and tucking it under his shirt. He’d keep that one on forever. 

The last thing he pulled from the envelope was a polaroid Trujillo had taken months ago. It was of Javier and Steve. Javier looked grumpy with his coffee mug and Steve had his arms thrown around Javier’s neck with an enthusiastic smile plastered across his face. There was a dab of dried blood on the corner of the polaroid that Javier knew was Steve’s. He must have kept it in his pocket. 

Javier was about to put the things back in the envelope when something on the backside of the polaroid caught his attention. Writing. He flipped the picture over and felt his heart ache. Steve’s scratchy writing was across the back. 

It read, 

See you soon Javi  
I love you

Javier turned the picture back around with an empty chest. He placed a long kiss on photo Steve and looked to the sky. 

“I’ll see you around partner.”

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry about this one🥺  
> Let me know what you think:)


End file.
